General Batshit; 'WTF' Moments; Our Favorite Fundies; Batshit Of The Week Award....
There’s a bumper-crop of batshit this week – mainly because I’ve been busy as hell and haven’t had time to entertain all of you fine people for a bit – so here goes….
This week, we were treated to the news that the economy appears headed for a double-dip recession (about six months later than I thought it would be, but there it is) – and please know, I take no pleasure in being right. Really.
While I was in Anaheim last week, I saw the HBO film “Too Big To Fail” on the hotel-telly; the questions I repeatedly asked myself were, “Why, for fuck’s sake, were these assholes allowed to succeed, when better, smarter, more-enlightened people didn’t?”, and “Why aren’t these same assholes now not hanging in iron cages at the corner of Wall and Broad Streets in New York, with signs attached which read, ‘I Fucked Everybody in America?’”
Life is random, shitty, and wrong, most of the time. That’s why. Morons succeed, while the rest of us Eat Shit and Die.
In saving online-gems for this missive, I often come across things which aren’t so funny. By example, a gal here in my home-town of Portland walked out of a jewelry store with a $40K necklace – and the store-clerk ran her down and tackled her, putting her in an arm-hold until the police arrived. Turns out the woman hadn’t eaten for a week.
I’ve a feeling that we’re going to be looking at a lot of things which we used to think were ‘bad’, and realizing that they’re simply acts of survival desperation. The lines are blurring as you read this.
It’s time to start being good to each other, in ways we probably never thought we’d have to – because it’s a lead-pipe-cinch that the Powers That Be aren’t going to do anything remotely like look after us peons.
On with the show….
General Batshit….
This guy likes to slash his balls: Turns out that a fellow in Minnesota has thing for taking a knife to his balls. Sort of….
File this one under, “Why Is This Shit Legal?”: There’s this gal, who snorted the equivalent of Drano and Meth to gibber uncontrollably about evil spirits while she trashed a hotel room (I can’t make this stuff up. I’ve tried. Really….)
What do you do on a three-day ‘tweak’?: In this guy’s case, you steal 75lb storm-drain covers. A whole lot of them….
There’s something very, very wrong here: I imagine you could file this one under ‘Failed Children’s Book Titles’. Thing is, it’s been published. Has an Amazon listing and everything….
Vladimir Putin is a reincarnated apostle: Who knew? Some gals in Russia, as it turns out….
You, too, can spend thirty dollars on a completely useless book: In this case, it’s the Mozipedia – the complete encyclopedia of everything dealing with Morrissey (you remember him; the guy who insists he’s not gay, but sings like he is….)
Here’s the good news – if you missed it, you can still participate: May was national masturbation month….
Note To State Board of Health – This is not how you get people to go to the doctor: The State of Washington greenlighted a bunch of billboards aimed at getting people to go to the doctor. Just which moron made that decision is unknown….
Why didn’t he just sell it at his garage sale?: A guy here in Oregon who was cleaning his garden-shed found something which looked like a bomb – so (natch) he tossed it in the ol’ minivan and took it to the police-station….
‘WTF’ Moments….
“But – officer – I was celebrating national masturbation month!”: A guy in Florida decides to have one off at the wrist – in a rather confined, yet public place….
“But – officer – they’re so well behaved afterward!”: A teacher in California encouraged her students to huff (Note: It wasn’t paint….)
Is this the same guy who invented hair tonic?: Turns out there really was a St. Vitalis….
Do parents just not think when they name their kids?: Remember this, Mom and Dad – someday; there’ll be an obituary – and it’ll read like this one….
I love my hometown. Really; I do: Except, of course, when I read stuff like this. (Understand – this guy lives maybe two miles from me. Up the hill, there are homes; gardens; stuff like that. Down the hill in the flatlands are shitty apartments and a whole gaggle of semiliterate hooligans. Like this guy, who got creative with his quick-draw technique….)
But did Medicare pay for it?: With friends like this, who needs – (I didn’t just write that, did I?) Turns out a guy recovering from surgery had a home-visit from a nurse….
Where in the world is Carmen Montenegro?: She’s in county lockup, after pushing a trash-can down the friggin’ street….
Cartman would be proud - the brown-note has been discovered: Vuvuzelas and dogs don’t mix….
Our Favorite Fundies….
Here’s what’s keeping Huckabee from running for President: He’s created an ‘educational company’ to 'fix' the 'errors' in American history....
Turns out the Bible is like duct-tape – it can fix everything: Including, if we believe this book, government interference in everything from playground equipment to light bulbs….
Don’t want to do Easter dinner? Do this, instead: A cab-driver from Korea found an interesting way to spend Easter weekend. He’s dead now….
Curses; Red Bachmann!: Michele Bachmann, potential rubber room candidate and extremist Fundie from Minnesota, says we’re all cursed if we don’t support the use of white phosphorus, genocide, and other stuff. Well; not really. But really….
It’s the end of the world as we know it (redux): Don’t worry. The end of the world is still ‘on’ – at least, according to Family Radio….
More batshit from the Huckster: According to Mike Huckabee, gays caused Noah’s flood, and Obama’s a ‘Soviet mole’. (Note: The Soviet Union, which dissolved in 1991, couldn’t be reached for comment….)
Batshit of the Week Award:
This one was tough. The aforementioned Michele Bachmann was a serious candidate this week, as was John Edwards (nothing says ‘love’ like spending campaign money on your South American mistress and getting indicted for it); Jerry Boykin (nothing says ‘batshit’ like accusing the president of funding a brownshirt army from the ‘proceeds’ of the healthcare bill); and Georgia representative Bobby Franklin (who accused his fellow Georgians of ‘praying to their god FEMA’).
Sarah Palin deserves honorable-mention, for rolling in to a rally on a motorcycle (albeit riding in the #2 ‘bitch’ position) to blather on about American Exceptionalism (and to kick off her ‘We The People’ non-campaign tour).
So did Mitt Romney, who doesn’t ride ‘bitch’ – flying in a rented jet to a small town in New Hampshire is more his style – but hey; he says the same things as the rest of the Teabaggers (he just does it with a little more class).
Nope – this week, there’s only one guy who really, truly exemplifies American political batshit; he’s a true professional who’s managed to gather every wingnut and bugfuck-crazy nutball in 50 states to play on his team this year: Newt Gingrich.
The Newter is an original. He’s the only guy who had an affair because he was so busy saving America from Muslims, atheists and other baddies; recommends the ravings of people like Matt Barber and David Barton; tells us ‘debt is unBiblical’ while owing half a million in credit-card debt to Tiffany’s, and makes what may be the Worst Campaign Promise Evah.
With Huckabee officially out of the race, I run hot and cold over the Newter-man. I mean, on one hand, it would be funny-as-all-hell to have a chucklefucking moron like Gingrich to laugh at, much like the poo-flinging monkeys at the Portland zoo; on the other hand, there are enough unibrowed mouth-breathers with double-digit IQ’s holding voter-registration cards to actually elect the guy.
Enjoy your fifteen minutes; Newt. I’ve a feeling you’ll need them to keep you warm in a few years when everyone’s forgotten about you.
Until next time….
