Astra's Batshit Roundup (Special Rapture Edition)

(One of Camping's "Rapture Buses")

Unless you've been living under a rock (or located, say, in a place where it Doesn't Matter, like Bhutan), you know that there's a Fundie moron in Boulder, Colorado named Harold Camping, a 'Christian broadcaster' with a slick website and a good hustle, who's predicting the End of The World As We Know It on May 21st.   At 6:00PM.  Preceded by an earthquake.

This isn't Camping's first rodeo.

Back in '94, he predicted the End in his book, "1994?" (he calculated that the Tribulation would end on September 6th, followed by the Last Day and the Second Coming of Christ between September 15-27th.)

That's Great; It Starts With An Earthquake*- According to Camping, we needn't worry about being ready on time - because the Big Guy created time zones, too, and will hence Rapture everyone at 6:00PM in their own time zone (sort of like Santa Claus manages to visit everyone on the same night.)

(Fellow Portlander; Keeping Portland Weird)

Let's Party - Some folks (mainly us godless atheists) are holding rapture parties.   (Rats.  I'm not at home right now; I imagine the Portland chapter of American Atheists is holding one, and I'd like to go.  Dammit....)

Just Don't Screw Forget The Pooch - Worried that Fido isn't gonna be Raptured along with?  Relax - these guys have it covered (although they've raised their rates)....

So, How Did He Figure This Out? - It's simple, really - but first, you have to believe, like this clown, that the Earth is only 6,000 years old.  Once you accept that idea, everything else is easy - Camping figures that Noah's Flood happened 4,990 years ago; if you add 7,000 years (minus one, because there's no Year Zero), then Judgment Day is the 17th day of the second month (which, according to Camping's Magic Biblical Calendar-Translator, equates to May 21st of this year)

Glad he cleared that up for me.  I was worried there, for a second....



(This is my favorite R.E.M. tune, by the way - and, it follows, this is my favorite End of the World song.....)


Pathetic Special Rapture-Edition Batshit of the Week Award....

This week, it goes to a retired Staten Island transit employee named Robert Fitzpatrick, who spent all $140,000 of his retirement-savings on a series of bus-and-subway advertisements, heralding the Reverend Mr. Camping's prediction about Rapture.

"Judgment Day will surprise people," he said recently.  "We will not be ready for it."   He went further, stating that "A giant earthquake will render the earth uninhabitable."  (Hey.  Personally, I'm of the belief that Fundie morons are doing a good job of that already.)

(Robert Fitzpatrick and one of his billboards)

As to Fitzpatrick, he doesn't want to consider that Camping may (shudder!) be wrong.

"I don't want to talk about it.  I don't want to think about it," he said (I guess he didn't get a money-back-guarantee from Mr. Camping.)

Something tells me you're going to be doing a lot of thinking about it, Mr. Fitzpatrick.  Enjoy your fifteen minutes; life goes on a long time, pal. Me? I'm gonna be here on the 22nd - and for a while after, I suspect.

Until next time....


*This is the first line of "It's The End Of The World (As We Know It), by R.E.M.  Thought you'd like to know....(Note:  I'm hoping you appreciate this, folks.  I gave up my break-time to dash this off...)