General Batshit; Our Favorite Fundies; ‘WTF’ Moments; Batshit of the Week Award; More….
“The world is so full of a number of things; I’m sure we should all be as happy as kings.”-- Robert Louis Stevenson
“Don’t worry about him. He’s just as happy as if he were in his right mind.”
-- My Grandfather; Ruminating on Yours Truly as a Small Boy
I’m given to think that Stevenson was really saying, ‘simple minds love simple things’. I know for damn sure that was the intent of my grandfather.
Perhaps it’s the fact that I’ve always been easily amused. I can stare for hours at the structure of a leaf in the garden if I’m so-inclined; it’s why bonsai is a hobby of mine (among many). There are endless things with which to occupy one’s mind. Like eating glue, or misreading instructions on the back of paint-cans (this actually happened with a fellow I knew in college. Burned his apartment out when he was refinishing a piece of furniture – the instructions called for ‘boiled linseed oil’; the fire started when he poured a half-gallon of the stuff in a pot and proceeded to boil it himself, not knowing that it comes ‘pre-boiled’ to remove the impurities.)
These are the same people who put sharp things in their ears and lemon-scented dishwasher-soap in their iced-tea. They’re the people who ‘win’ the Darwin Awards. The difference between Some of Us and Most of Them is that We Read The Instructions.
So, by way of acknowledging two of my favorite philosopher/writers (R.L. Stevenson and my grandfather) – this week’s Batshit Roundup is dedicated to the Usual Gang of Idiots (as the writers of Mad Magazine called them, so many years ago) - the faceless masses who provide The Rest Of Us so much entertainment.
Be careful out there….
General Batshit….
Most of the time, the batshit-things people do are funny. This one’s not-so, but if you look past that for a moment, you might find a bit of levity in a couple of half-wits who pass up helping their own Mom off the kitchen floor so they can go back to watching the tube. (I know - words fail.) Turns out two guys (48 year old twin brothers, no less), were watching a ball-game on TV when their mother fell down in the kitchen. They ignored the whole situation, even talking to her for a while - preferring to go back to the game. (Note: While most of the people I write about are mentally-ill, disturbed, or Living While Fundie, this one goes to a whole new level)….
Neither Rain, Nor Snow, Nor Lack of Charmin…. – It’s a misdemeanor in the city of Portland, Oregon to take a dump in public. This didn’t deter a local mailman (excuse me; ‘Letter Carrier’) from the swift completion of his appointed rounds – not even the lack of a bathroom. (Yes; there are photos)….
Some Reporters Wait Their Whole Lives To Write A Headline Like This – Those of you under 40 or living outside the U.S. are going to have to have someone explain the irony of this one to you – and why it really is true that the reporter will never have another chance to write a headline this cool, ever again….
‘WTF’ Moments….
Remember The Gal At Duke U., Who Accused The Lacrosse Players? – She’s in the news again….
But Can She Chew Gum and Walk At The Same Time? – A gal in Cincinnati was busted for ‘encumbered driving’ – turns out she’s just a very talented multitasker….
They Should Be Glad There’s No Longer a Gulag – A Russian art-collective had some fun with a drawbridge, right across from the State Security building….
You’re Allowed to Like Boobies Again in Pennsylvania – Just sayin’….
Political Batshit….
The Donald Does It – Again: I’m still trying to figure out if this guy is serious, much less sane….
That’s It! Get the Unemployed to Leap Tall Buildings! - $16,500 on capes and foam cutouts to turn the unemployed into superheroes in Florida (no, I didn’t make this up. I couldn’t….)
Someone Finally Reviews The Biggest Political Batshit Site on the Net – Yeah; It’s World NutNet Daily (but that should be no surprise). But hey. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have a quarter of my material….
Finally – The Most Fucked-Up Thing Rush Limbaugh Ever Said:
Our Favorite Fundies….
(Note: You’ll notice this department’s name has changed. I’m finally owning-up to the fact that the most forehead-slapping, groaning, eyeball-rolling batshit comes from American Fundies. So there.)
But Will They Outlaw Barbecued Pork Ribs? – Matt Barber, one of Fundiedom’s biggest batshit-artists, is now saying there’s a Vast Conspiracy among radical Islamists to unite and destroy Christianity. Yeah. Right….
I’ll take ‘Obvious Conclusions’ for $1,000; Alex – (Al Mohler, if you’re not familiar with him, is the result when someone’s Momma sends their little boy to a ‘college’ which only teaches from a book written by a group of Bronze-Age goat-herders about three thousand years ago. It’s also the result of a system which actually grants accreditation to such places, and allows their graduates to put ‘Dr.’ in front of their name....) In this case, Al Mohler asks “Why is the Muslim World So Resistant To The Gospel?” (this qualified for Dumbass Question of the Day at ‘Dispatches From The Culture Wars’)….
Speaking of Deranged – I loves Me Some Pat Robertson - He’s about three thousand years old, himself. To listen to him, he’s got a direct-line to the Big Guy – and he doesn’t mind making predictions. Like this one:
This Is a Cool Website – If you click here, you can then go pick any year, and read the crazy shit people thought was going to end the world in that year (Note: Batshit goes back centuries)….
Let’s Ask Joan of Arc How Well That Worked Out – This has got to be the most fucked-up article I’ve seen in a bit - while it originated at the Monitor, it was also picked up on CNN’s website – the author’s logic goes like this: Since Fundies in America are ‘virtuous’, it follows that all Fundies are ‘virtuous’ – so the countries currently in rebellion in the Middle East should all incorporate Islamic Fundies into their government. Batshit 'logic' abounds; folks….
Can You Work On My Light-Bill, While You’re At It? – There’s a preacher in Georgia who wants to pray down gas-prices. Seriously….
California Fundies Want Constitutional Protection – Because they’re so persecuted, and can’t attend their megachurches on Sunday. Or something….
Who’d’ve Thought? John Lennon’s Writing Songs in the Afterlife – Maine is usually one of those states I consider ‘sane’. Strange people occupy every corner of the planet, though, and Maine is no exception. Turns out there’s this guy (he calls himself a ‘minister’, among other things, which is why I put this entry here) who says he can ‘channel’ dead celebrities, artists, and the like, and bring their ‘music from the other side’ to life on This End of Things. 'God' also told him to run for president (Warning: Both of these sites are among the most bugfuck-nuts things I’ve read in a while. Enter at your own risk).
Batshit of the Week Award….
This week, it goes to Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin – who wrote the ‘Path to Prosperity’ budget for the GOP, which goes like this: (1)Throw 30,000,000 people in the street; (2) take away what medical care they have now; (3) Ensure that the 15,000,000 now unemployed never have a chance to work again – cut nearly everything else (except the military – that’s sacred) – and in two years you’ll have 3% unemployment.
(Of course, this would work. What surprises me is that he didn’t have to balls to come out and say that we could reach 0% unemployment by simply shooting everyone – because that’s the kind of math which works in the mind of a guy who’s as deranged as Ryan obviously is.)
Enjoy your fifteen minutes of fame, Paul. I’ve a feeling you’ll need a fond memory or two come the Revolution….
Until next time….
