General Batshit; ‘WTF’ Moments; Religious and Political Batshit, and More….
Today’s Thought….
It’s often said that if you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. It’s the same with this column. Every time I write it, I hear from a Fundie or a member of the nascent National Socialist Movement Teabagger/Far Right side of things that what I’m really doing is making fun of the only sane people left in America.
This is where a little reality-check comes in.
Most of these emails are from people who can’t spell. This is a big clue – at least, to me – that they not only didn’t Stay Awake in Class; they likely mistrust anyone with higher than a tenth-grade education.
As I tend to trust educated people who know that the earth isn’t flat more than I trust someone who thinks it is, that’s a pretty big litmus-test, at least for me.
That there is so much of this batshit-crazy and bugfuck-nuts material out there is testimony to the fact that a good chunk of the country is, as my grandfather used to say, a little more than 'half a bubble off plumb.' (How else do you explain the proliferation of creation museums and the defunding of the Real Thing by Congress?)
That there is so much of this batshit-crazy and bugfuck-nuts material out there is testimony to the fact that a good chunk of the country is, as my grandfather used to say, a little more than 'half a bubble off plumb.' (How else do you explain the proliferation of creation museums and the defunding of the Real Thing by Congress?)
Regardless, I try to keep this piece funny, at least to most of us, because there’s a lot of un-funny stuff going on in the world – and one of the best ways to deal with it mentally while we’re trying to sweep back the tide of ignorance is to laugh a bit while we’re wielding the broom.
On to the batshit….
General Batshit….
But Is There a File in That Cake? - Turns out that if one of your town’s biggest industries is a prison, you put it to good use – in this case, by having the cons cook dinner for the high-school prom….
Table; Turtle, or Steak? – This has got to be the most fucked-up rant I’ve read in a while….
Is “Supreme Commander” Really a Rank? – A Chinese fellow came up with a novel way to scam his fellow immigrants….
Divine Spaceships? – Yeah; I know; right? They’re coming – because Obama hates Khaddafi….
Uh – Did This Guy Study Biology? Naw; Probably Not – Turns out an Indian minister thinks we’re all gonna turn gay, because the female birthrate is declining. I swear. Go read the article….
‘WTF’ Moments….
I’ve Played ‘Marco Polo’ Before – But I Never Used a Pistol – A guy is recovering from being shot by his girlfriend; they were, in essence, playing ‘Marco Polo’ with firearms….
The Latest Plastic-Surgery Craze – Spock ears….
The Latest Thing Among The Obscenely Rich – Pet fashion designers….
But What Does She Get For Being a Bad Dancer?? – Yep. Bristol Palin made $250K – for getting knocked up (I guess this makes her a poster-child for what-not-to-do)….
Oh, Shit – Finally; what not to carjack….
Political Batshit….
“We Run Some Misinformation” – File this one under ‘No shit; Sherlock’….
Who Said This?? - Folks, when Ann Coulter appears sane, it's a cinch the rest of the Right has gone off the rails....
Who Said This?? - Folks, when Ann Coulter appears sane, it's a cinch the rest of the Right has gone off the rails....
Glenn Beck Is Gone, But Not Forgotten – He’s off to play with his chalkboard….
Is There a ‘Supreme Commander’ In This Army, and is he Chinese? – Rep. Gohmert thinks Obama has a private army, funded by the health care bill (I know; you just can’t make this stuff up….)
“Little Bastards”, Is My First Thought, Offhand – A man in a Maryland Wal-Mart is the victim of a prank. No. The perpetrator likely didn’t stay awake in class. He was, however, inventive….
Religious Batshit….
(Warning: A bumper-crop this week….)
The Death-Penalty For Wayward Whales – ‘God’ Expects It – Turns out that Bryan Fischer, Nutbag Preacher, thinks Tilikum, the whale which killed its trainer, should get the gas….
Hey. Huckabee. Just Don’t Make Me Play ‘Marco Polo’ – Mike Huckabee, everyone’s favorite ex-governor and presidential-hopeful, thinks everyone in America should be forced to listen to discredited ‘historian’ David Barton….
But Do They Get A Tax-Deduction? – The Creation Museum won’t stop at a full-sized Ark; they want to rebuild Solomon’s Temple (with taxpayer money)….
Who’d’ve Thunk It – Bath-Fitter is a Cult – The popular bathroom remodeling company forced an employee to spend $90,000 of her own money – and you’ll never guess for what….
“Glory Bombs” and the Demons of Poverty – I love batshit preachers. Sad thing is that people believe them:
Don’t Get Pregnant In Idaho If You Get Raped – The Legislature decided that ‘the Almighty’s hand was at work’ – so you can’t get an abortion….
Baldwin vs. Dawkins – The Cage Match: - This is what I call a Battle of Wits With An Unarmed Opponent (Stephen Baldwin tries to take on Richard Dawkins. Yes; it’s embarrassing….)
Oh, Come On – First, It Was Obama; Now It’s Beck? - Make up your minds, folks – both Obama AND Beck can’t both be the Antichrist….
Wait; Didn’t They Do This to Scopes? – In Tennessee, you can’t teach evolution. Again….
Breaking: The Virgin Mary Was in Wisconsin – Go here for the real dope on this one. Nope; no film at eleven. Sorry. But the Catholics have a new approval process for Mary Sightings, and this one passed muster. For real….
Interview with God – Vice Magazine publishes the first-ever interview with God. He talks about Westboro Baptist (Yes. This is satire)….
But Wait? I’m ‘Biblically Illiterate?’ – Cynthia Dunbar has some interesting things to say about the reasons for the new Texas school book standards….
Didn't They Already Do This in the Middle Ages?? – One of my favorite nonhistorians (a shuck-and-jive artist who has a show on the History Channel) claims to have the nails that tacked Jesus to the cross. Really….
Batshit of the Week Award….
As I said, I love batshit-crazy preachers. I do. They’re entertaining, in a Hannibal Lechter way. However, when you're Terry Jones, you can get enough media-coverage for a church with less than a hundred members for burning a book in your parking lot - and for that, I have to give props.
(The sobering part is this – what this asshole did led to the deaths of several U.N. workers in Afghanistan. That’s not cool, funny, or anything of the sort. In fact, this guy ought to be tried for murder and put away to break rocks for the rest of his natural life, starting with the rocks in his fucking head.)
So, because some people are crazy enough to get international attention for their misdeeds, this week’s Batshit of the Week Award goes to Terry Jones, Fundie preacher extraordinaire and Asshole Supreme.
Enjoy your fifteen minutes, Terry. Other, better people paid for it….
Until next time….
