The Only Thing Worse Than Self-Righteousness Is Self-Effacement (And Farting In A Cubicle)....

It’s Official – Modern Christians Are Jerks.

Yeah - according to a church in Beaumont, Texas, that’s supposed to be big news.  

I’m on a religion-kick of late, because I’ve seen more than my share of pitiless, asshole fuckery on the part of right-wing, Fundamentalist American Christians in this run-up to our election in November. 


(Folks across the pond, take note – we don’t have the niceties we had a few years ago, like voting for a Greens Party candidate, or things like that there.  What we have is the opportunity to either let the barbarians through the gate of the asylum as the Ruling Inmates of Team Republican, or to vote for more of the same ‘what-do-I-do-now’ behavior of Team Democrat).  In reality, it’s a lot like giving a feedlot full of turkeys the ‘right’ to vote for Thanksgiving or Christmas – but I digress.

The clueless bastard who put up this billboard did so in order to post a mea-culpa; writ large across the landscape – or so he says.  To quote him directly:  “At Christ Covenant Church, do you know what our response is? Guilty as charged. We are fed up with it just as much as you are. We've failed. We've failed you, we've failed each other, and the worst part is that we've failed to act like Jesus.”

While there’s significant evidence that Jesus never existed in the first place (so ‘acting like Jesus’ is a bit of a broad brush, really), we’ll leave that alone for right now – the main thing is that the Head Pastor Dude of this church in Texas is engaging in a little clever self-effacement, likely intended to boost what boils down to sagging ratings and poor attendance.

So, why are modern American Christians such jerks?

First, because they’re exclusive.   I found a wallet once and tracked down the owner (turns out his house wasn’t far away) – he immediately invited me into his home, called for his wife to come downstairs, and they both began ‘thanking God’ for the wallet.

Now, I can understand why – they were folks of modest means, and losing that wallet was going to put a crimp in a lot of things, and in a hurry, as there was over $50 in it along with some credit cards and other stuff that wasn’t easily replaced.  As to the couple, they were all ready to turn me into family right there on the spot, until he asked me where I went to church.

I immediately became persona-non-grata (I was literally shown the door) when I informed them that I didn’t; that I was an atheist.

Y’see, it’s in their wiring, folks – the modern American Christian can’t get it through their collective heads that anyone other than they have any morals, ethics or standards at all.  If you’re not part of the club, you’re not ‘in’.

Second, because this exclusion breeds self-righteous arrogance.  I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been told that Christians are the only people who have ‘god on their side’ – and as such, they’re the ones to tell us all how to live.  Not a Christian?  Then you can’t be an American – and to these folks, it’s as simple as that.

Third, because #1 and #2 make them cavalier in the extreme with the rights of others.   Gay?  Forget it – you don’t count.  Pregnant, and you didn’t want to be?  You’d better carry that kid to full term, or the American Christians will getcha. (Don’t worry that once the kid is born, it’s on its own – root, hog and die is the watchword of the typical American Christian church.  The only way to deal with kids is to starve ‘em; deny ‘em medical-care, and send ‘em to prison when the first two don’t work).

If Pastor Chris Beard of the Beaumont Christ Covenant really wants to learn something, he can start behaving like he wants to (or, as one of my favorite pagan writers, Marcus Aurelius, once said: “Do not concern yourself with what it is to be a great person.  Be one.”

Otherwise, he’s like a guy I used to work with about twenty-five years ago, who farted in his cubicle all day long and repeatedly said, “I’m sorry.”   Finally,  I left a bottle of Beano on his desk with an anonymous note – “The solution isn’t to keep saying, “I’m sorry.”  The solution is to quit farting.”

Pastor Beard could learn from this modern-day parable – because he’s still a jerk.   Self-effacement doesn’t do a damn bit of good – and the best way to deal with a personal problem which offends other people is to change one’s behavior; not continue to apologize for farting in your cube.

Have a great weekend, folks.

What Would You Say To 'God'?

The other day, I saw a bumper-sticker on the back of a minivan.

It said, “How Can You Reject The One For Whom Even Time Is Named – Before And After?”  On one side of the piece was a graphic of a cross, with two arrows pointing in two opposite directions – one labeled “B.C.” and the other “A.D.”

“You like my sticker?”  The gal who owned the van had walked up behind me.

“No.  Not really.”

“You don’t believe in God?”

“No, I don’t.  And time”, I said, pointing to her bumper, “is a relative construct. It’s 1431 by the Muslim calendar.  The Japanese count time by the reign of the Emperor.  Other cultures are completely different than ours.”

She glared at me and got in her van.  I imagine I was the subject of a discussion, later.  Or not.  I really didn’t care.  The sticker was moronic, poorly-reasoned, narrow-minded, badly-researched, and wrong.  (I didn’t get the chance to point out that most historians – real ones; not the product of some seminary or another – use ‘C.E.’ and ‘B.C.E’ to refer to dates in the ‘common era’, or ‘before the common era.’  That’s how I mark time.  It’s how I roll.)

The relative value of time is something most of us don’t consider.  When we’re running late, we think about it – but we usually don’t give thought to the greater issue that someday, we’re Going To Run Out For Good.

Now, if you believe there’s a Sky-Guy who’s gonna break out a cosmic-ledger and start screwing with your head, I’ve got some advice, if you’ll take it:

First, remember the title of one of my favorite books of late – God hates you; hate him back.

That’s right.  If this guy thinks he’s all-that-and-a-bag-of-Cosmic-Corn-Chips, let him know what you think.  I mean, after all – the outcome’s certain; he’s gonna be like King Kong, telling you what you didn't do to please him, and he's probably already decided to horrible things to you, maybe forever – so he’ll likely be surprised as – well; hell – if you come back at him on the offensive.

At a party I was once asked, “What would you say if you met God?”

I laughed, spontaneously.  The very notion is absurd to me – and I know that’s hard to accept for believers, but there really are about 10-15% of us in the world who view the idea of a Divine Being right up there with belief in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

(Actually, I know the Tooth Fairy exists, although she hasn’t paid me a visit since I was around ten or eleven.  But that’s another story.  Sometimes, I get to thinking that if I can get my hands on a couple of hundred teeth and put ‘em all under my pillow, I’ll find a shitload of quarters the next day – sort of like what Cartman did in that South Park episode – but again; I digress.)

As to the question, after I laughed, I said, “I’d probably say, ‘Fuck you; asshole!’” (This; delivered in my best Arnold voice).  

“But seriously,” my inquirer said, “What would you say?”

I thought for a moment.

“I’d tell him I wanted a fucking apology.  Then I’d go on to list a bunch of things for which He genuinely needed to be sorry.  Starting with behaving like a fucking Deadbeat Dad, and never being there.  At all. Ever.”

The querying-party looked appalled.

“You’re surprised?  You want a list?  How about this?  Child abuse.  Mosquitoes.  Yellow jackets.  Hitler and Stalin.  The Crusades, while we’re at it.  Christianity.  Islam.  Judaism.  Religion in general, which gives its practitioners a free-pass for all sorts of human depredations.  That bunch in Papua New Guinea what still eats other people.  General Motors and Wall Street.  Ted Haggard, Pat Robertson, and Jerry Falwell.  The Spice Girls.  The Seven Deadlies.  B.O.  The need for sleep.  The fact that I don’t have a ten-inch dick.  Using assholes like the Pope to speak for you.  The need to eat.  Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, and Sean Hannity.  That asshole drunk who lives up the road from me and stars in ‘Little People; Big World.’  The presence of bullshit.  My grandmother, who was a raging Pentecostal psychobitch.   There are others, believe me, but that’s a start.  I want the asshole to look me in the eye and say, ‘I’m sorry’, and mean it, for being a malevolent cocksucker.”

So, here’s today’s question:  What would you say if you met ‘God’?