The other day, I saw a bumper-sticker on the back of a minivan.
It said, “How Can You Reject The One For Whom Even Time Is Named – Before And After?” On one side of the piece was a graphic of a cross, with two arrows pointing in two opposite directions – one labeled “B.C.” and the other “A.D.”
“You like my sticker?” The gal who owned the van had walked up behind me.
“No. Not really.”
“You don’t believe in God?”
“No, I don’t. And time”, I said, pointing to her bumper, “is a relative construct. It’s 1431 by the Muslim calendar. The Japanese count time by the reign of the Emperor. Other cultures are completely different than ours.”
She glared at me and got in her van. I imagine I was the subject of a discussion, later. Or not. I really didn’t care. The sticker was moronic, poorly-reasoned, narrow-minded, badly-researched, and wrong. (I didn’t get the chance to point out that most historians – real ones; not the product of some seminary or another – use ‘C.E.’ and ‘B.C.E’ to refer to dates in the ‘common era’, or ‘before the common era.’ That’s how I mark time. It’s how I roll.)
The relative value of time is something most of us don’t consider. When we’re running late, we think about it – but we usually don’t give thought to the greater issue that someday, we’re Going To Run Out For Good.
Now, if you believe there’s a Sky-Guy who’s gonna break out a cosmic-ledger and start screwing with your head, I’ve got some advice, if you’ll take it:
First, remember the title of one of my favorite books of late – God hates you; hate him back.
That’s right. If this guy thinks he’s all-that-and-a-bag-of-Cosmic-Corn-Chips, let him know what you think. I mean, after all – the outcome’s certain; he’s gonna be like King Kong, telling you what you didn't do to please him, and he's probably already decided to horrible things to you, maybe forever – so he’ll likely be surprised as – well; hell – if you come back at him on the offensive.
At a party I was once asked, “What would you say if you met God?”
I laughed, spontaneously. The very notion is absurd to me – and I know that’s hard to accept for believers, but there really are about 10-15% of us in the world who view the idea of a Divine Being right up there with belief in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
(Actually, I know the Tooth Fairy exists, although she hasn’t paid me a visit since I was around ten or eleven. But that’s another story. Sometimes, I get to thinking that if I can get my hands on a couple of hundred teeth and put ‘em all under my pillow, I’ll find a shitload of quarters the next day – sort of like what Cartman did in that South Park episode – but again; I digress.)
As to the question, after I laughed, I said, “I’d probably say, ‘Fuck you; asshole!’” (This; delivered in my best Arnold voice).
“But seriously,” my inquirer said, “What would you say?”
I thought for a moment.
“I’d tell him I wanted a fucking apology. Then I’d go on to list a bunch of things for which He genuinely needed to be sorry. Starting with behaving like a fucking Deadbeat Dad, and never being there. At all. Ever.”
The querying-party looked appalled.
“You’re surprised? You want a list? How about this? Child abuse. Mosquitoes. Yellow jackets. Hitler and Stalin. The Crusades, while we’re at it. Christianity. Islam. Judaism. Religion in general, which gives its practitioners a free-pass for all sorts of human depredations. That bunch in Papua New Guinea what still eats other people. General Motors and Wall Street. Ted Haggard, Pat Robertson, and Jerry Falwell. The Spice Girls. The Seven Deadlies. B.O. The need for sleep. The fact that I don’t have a ten-inch dick. Using assholes like the Pope to speak for you. The need to eat. Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, and Sean Hannity. That asshole drunk who lives up the road from me and stars in ‘Little People; Big World.’ The presence of bullshit. My grandmother, who was a raging Pentecostal psychobitch. There are others, believe me, but that’s a start. I want the asshole to look me in the eye and say, ‘I’m sorry’, and mean it, for being a malevolent cocksucker.”
So, here’s today’s question: What would you say if you met ‘God’?
