The Rapture and the Mail (an Illustrated; Red-Letter Edition)....

File this one under "I wish I'd thought of it first."





Now, first, I need to give you some background - because a fair number of people who occasion to read this little corner of the blogosphere are atheists who've never studied the variant 'flavors' of Christianity, and might not know what these people are doing, and why it's so fucking funny.

See, there's a whole study goin' on in seminaries all over the world, called 'eschatology.' This is the study of All Things End-Times - how the world will end; why; what happens beforehand - and the people who study this stuff take it - -well - Damned Seriously.

Brief History:

In the 1700's, several Puritan preachers began advocating that all the Believers ('god' got to pick which ones were 'real') would be 'caught up in the air' (a reference to a Bible verse in the book of Thessalonians) prior to some Really Bad Stuff Happening - a seven-year period (the time frame was a rather obscure reference taken from the book of Daniel, in the Old Testament) which the Puritan fathers began calling 'the 'Tribulation'.

With me so far?

Now, as time went on, and as often happens with Things Religious, they couldn't all agree. One faction, in the 1820's, began to hold that Christ was going to return twice - the first time, he was going to come back to take everyone back with him. This would (I presume) look something like this (although I wouldn't vouch for the image - it looks a bit CG to me, and I really wonder about the details - I mean, if my neighbor, Ned, is wearing a suit and calling on a customer, is he gonna wind up in front of Da Lawd wearing his Armani and carrying a briefcase?

Or, if he's in the shower, is he gonna show up in front of who-knows-how-many-others in his birthday-suit?

Now, the thing about it is that you have a seven-year gap (remember that obscure reference in the book of Daniel?) - during which (according to some other equally-obscure references) would usher in 'judgements' by 'god' - boils; locusts; plagues; darkness and other Nasty Stuff.

These events would be preceded (just before the Great Snatch) by 'signs and wonders' (another obscure reference to 'earthquakes in diverse places', and other nasties). [Note: According to some, swine-flu, inflation, dandruff, AIDS, hangnails, heavy freeway traffic, unemployment and your mother-in-law's attitude can all be blamed on this.]
So, according to the 'pretribulation rapture' or 'dispensationalist' types, there will actually be not one, but two Returns of Christ - the first one will be invisible - where he shows up in the clouds and does the Great Snatch (illustrated above) - then, a very nasty Public Return, where he comes back as a Badass MoFo at the end of the Tribulation, (illustrated below).

As you can see, the two are kind of related - I mean, they have this seven year Nasty Period in between, but you can pretty well set your calendar by 'em. Tim LaHaye seems to think so, too - and he's made a fortune off these books, telling us What Might Be, and all:

However, there's a fellow atheist, a computer scientist named Joshua Witter, who's Figured it All Out - he knows there's going to be a whole lot of people who are going to leave behind not only their unpaid bills and unmowed lawns, but a Whole Lotta Unbelieving Friends and Relatives.

This is why he's created Post Rapture Post.

You got that right -- like me; he's an atheist. And, because he is, he figures, "hey; I'll still be here after The Great Snatch. But, I can make a buck off of it, so I'll offer - for a fee - to send Those Left Behind a note, Just From You, the Believer." And, being a sound businessman, he also believes that if he takes your five, eight, or eight-hundred dollars (depending upon the level of service you want), he should deliver.
Standard disclaimers apply, though.


First, Witter's delivery is "...depending on the transportation options available to those rejected from the Kingdom of God."

Also, he states that you should expect delivery "...two to six weeks...after the Rapture."

Asked how all this would be possible in such a tumultuous world, Witter says, "...Although we are not religious, we believe that a man's word is his bond. We consider ourselves to have an obligation to each and every customer, to deliver their mail in a timely and respectful manner. During the Great Tribulation, during which sinners left on Earth will have one last chance to accept Jesus as the Lord and Savior, our very souls will depend on our following through with the deliveries."

Seems he feels he's got some Skin in the Game (so to speak).

Witter's comfortable with his position in the Scheme of Things, saying "....The Bible says that only those that repent of their sins and accept Jesus as the True Son of God will be saved. We do neither. Some of our personal sins include: drunkenness, heresy, sacrilige/blasphemy, gluttony, laciviousness, and sloth. There is no way we are going to disappear into Heaven any time soon." This is actually part of his offer - as he's not going to Heaven, it's a safe bet your message will be delivered.

He even makes suggestions as to those you should write (as well as those you shoudn't) - "...After the Rapture the world will be a different place, with millions of people disappearing overnight. Friends, relatives, and celebrities are all popular choices. It may not be worth it to write to George W. Bush or his administration, as it is clear that he will be one of the first to go to Heaven when Jesus comes to tend to his flock."

Being Left Behind doesn't bother Witter. He says that in the unlikely event the Rapture actually does occur, he has a Plan B - "....lifetime of sin followed by a deathbed repentance."

Hey. It worked for others.

So, if you get all teary-eyed about the fuzzy-edged pictures, telling the allegorical tale of the "Church as the Virgin Awaiting her Husband" and all that, just remember the Rest of Us - we're going to need some Comfort, too - and as we're going to be left to our own devices, swatting yellowjackets and locusts like Davy Crockett swatting Mexicans off the walls of the Alamo, it might be nice to read a note from you as we listen to the mutant-buzzing outside while we tend our many boils with bitter herbs and Vaseline.